


every night i still dream of you (and i wish you would, too)

by altissimozucca



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Accusations of Cheating, Angst, Hopeful Ending, Jealousy, M/M, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-01
Updated: 2020-05-01
Packaged: 2021-02-26 18:43:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23835514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/altissimozucca/pseuds/altissimozucca
Summary: “You’re not over him.” It wasn’t a question. Nicholas’ voice held genuine curiosity, as though he was wonderinghowGeorge was so stupid to still believe Alex would give him another chance after ruining what they had single-handedly.George said nothing in response. Instead he crunched up the empty water bottle and threw it into the bin next to where they stood, biting his lip in thinking. Nicholas waited for him patiently, arms crossed over his chest in a way it made George seem ten-times smaller when standing before him.“I don’t think I’ll ever be.”
Relationships: Alexander Albon/George Russell
Comments: 6
Kudos: 42
Collections: F1 Fandom Unity Exchange





	every night i still dream of you (and i wish you would, too)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [xoxodelvidestruction](https://archiveofourown.org/users/xoxodelvidestruction/gifts).

> \- this was fun to write, hope you like it, too <3

** may of 2020 **

There was a moment of awkwardness as George met Alex’s eyes from across the fence. At a loss for what to do, he settled for a tiny, timid smile that was met with a blank face; something akin to guilt but so much more intense churned in the pits of George’s stomach as he averted his gaze, letting his eyes fall to the scorched concrete below.

His head was screaming at him. The pressure of his own heartbeat felt strong in his head, beating against his skull with such ferocity George was sure his head was about to explode. A part of him wished it did – it would’ve been a suitable punishment for the shit he’d pulled on Alex months ago.

A hand clasped his shoulder, and George met the worried eyes of his teammate. Nicholas was looking between the younger Brit and his ex-boyfriend, an unspoken _“are you okay?”_ obvious in his posture and the furrow of his eyebrows. They might have only been teammates for less than a year, but George already figured out Nicholas was about as observant as they come.

Perhaps that was why he shrugged lightly instead of giving a firm answer. The realisation that Alex was here, less than a few metres away, did nothing but form a storm in George’s already whirling head; the realisation that Alex wanted nothing to do with him left a gaping hole in his chest.

George let himself look in Alex’s direction again, despite the feeling of Nicholas burning holes in the side of his head. The Red Bull driver was laughing now, talking to his teammate and some of the other members of the team with a bright smile on his face, eyes sparkling.

He looked happy, and that fact hurt George more than he would ever dare admit.

As though he’d noticed George had fallen into a different headspace, Nicholas took him by his forearm, saying, “Come on, let’s get you somewhere else.” He led them through the mass of people, all the while trying to get George’s attention away from his ex-boyfriend/best friend.

It was only in the Williams hospitality that George seemed to snap out of the trance. He looked guilty as he sipped the cold water Nicholas had thrust into his hands after they entered, avoiding the eyes of his teammate and staring into nothing.

“You’re not over him.” It wasn’t a question. Nicholas’ voice held genuine curiosity, as though he was wondering _how_ George was so stupid to still believe Alex would give him another chance after ruining what they had single-handedly.

George said nothing in response. Instead he crunched up the empty water bottle and threw it into the bin next to where they stood, biting his lip in thinking. Nicholas waited for him patiently, arms crossed over his chest in a way it made George seem ten-times smaller when standing before him.

“I don’t think I’ll ever be,” George replied after a while, letting out an anguished sigh as he felt his hands beginning to shake. “I fucked up so badly, Nicky, I can’t even begin to explain it to you, _fuck,”_ he continued, voice trembling with every word.

His teammate let out a sigh, “You don’t have to tell me what happened.” After George nodded, he continued, “I’m just worried. You were fine in the morning and then you see him and all of a sudden you’re frozen, pained and about two seconds from crying. It’s not good for you, George.”

“Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine,” George assured him, though not even he believed his own words. He could see the scepticism on Nicholas’ face at his words, but it seemed like he had decided to let it go, something George was immensely grateful for.

“Okay,” the word was dragged out by Nicholas as he continued eyeing his teammate. A wave of awkwardness washed over them as they both seemed visibly uncomfortable, shuffling on their feet and looking at random things in the hospitality.

George let out a sigh of relief when his PR officer came over after looking for him for his media duties. He shot Nicholas a weak smile as he went to leave the hospitality. As he found himself back in the busy paddock and surrounded by interviewers, George faked a happy look on his face, answering their questions with positivity.

His eyes travelled to where Alex stood before George got dragged away by his teammate, the spot now empty of any Red Bull workers. Ignoring the feeling burning in the pits of his stomach, George looked away, focusing on the person talking in front of him.

There was no mistaking the disappointment churning in his gut, and George hated himself for feeling anything at all.

** october of 2019 **

When Alex told him he was moving to Monaco in just a few weeks’ time, George felt the need to suddenly lie down and stay there for a while, an unmoving lump beneath an array of blankets. He forced a smile for Alex, said, “I’m happy for you. I can’t wait to visit you after you move,” and waited for the moment Alex left so that he could let out a growl of frustration that had been building up with every minute his boyfriend spent in his flat.

A part of him knew he was being childish, and that Alex would always be less than a phone-call away, but the thousand knives piercing his torso felt justified in that moment as he stared at the door where Alex had gone minutes – hours – before. George didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, be happy or punch the wall; the frustration building in him was becoming unbearable.

It was as though someone – _Alex_ – had planted a bomb in George’s ribcage, where his heart should be, and turned on the timer for George to burst into pieces. Instead of being happy for Alex, the only thing George could feel was dread. He was never the insecure one, but in that moment, George felt like a child seeking reassurance, and Alex was wrong in thinking George would be alright.

Because he wouldn’t.

Slowly dragging himself through his flat like a zombie, George ignored the tears streaming down his cheeks. His bottom lip felt sore from biting it so hard, but he paid the feeling no mind as he walked into the bathroom and gripped the sink tightly with his hands, knuckles turning white from the force.

He met his own gaze in the mirror, the solemn look on his face doing nothing but reminding him of Alex’s revelation. If he looked hard enough, he could see the swollenness in his eyes from the tears that had fallen despite his will. Wiping them away hastily, George let out a shaky breath.

The sight of his own broken face did nothing but taunt George, remind him of the sparkle in Alex’s eyes as he was explaining he’d been looking at flats on the Azure Coast for a while but didn’t want to tell him anything in case it didn’t work out. But it was working out, and George didn’t know how to cope.

He wasn’t surprised when his fist met the mirror in front of him. A raggedy breath left his lips as he choked up another cry before falling to the bathroom floor, a shaking and sobbing mess. Pieces of glass surrounded him, digging into various bits of his skin but not enough to get him to stand up.

It felt like hours before his breath slowed down, no tears left to stream down his cheeks at the thought of his boyfriend moving away. George leant back against the cold, tiled wall of his bathroom and closed his eyes, trying to clear his head. The faint vibration of his phone from the bathroom counter broke him out of his state, and he stood up, taking the device into his hands, fingers trembling. He could barely make out Alex’s text, but panic burst in his chest again.

**alex:** I’m coming to yours in fifteen, picking up food on the way

With another shaky sigh, George did his best to clean up the mess he’d made in the bathroom in the short time he had. There was no way he’d be able to explain the missing mirror or the cuts on his knuckles, but he prayed for Alex not to notice them because he really wasn’t feeling up to answering questions no doubt bound to come his way.

Once he cleaned the shards of glass, George met his own eyes in the broken reflection of the mirror still hanging on the wall. The missing puzzle pieces seemed to be mocking him, daring him to make another erratic move before Alex comes to his flat and sees George’s state. Caught between taking down the mirror or leaving it there like a reminder of his own failures, George found himself staring at his washed-out face.

The sound of the doorbell broke George out of his dilemma, and he swiftly unhooked the piece hanging from the wall and carefully carried it to his closet so Alex wouldn’t see it. After buzzing Alex in, George ran a hand through his hair and moved to the sofa, phone in hand as he opened Instagram to look as though he was doing something other than wallowing.

Alex came bustling into George’s flat like he owned the place, a paper bag in his hand that he left on George’s kitchen island before making his way to where his boyfriend was sitting on the sofa, a distant look on his face. Immediately realising something was up, Alex pressed a kiss on the top of his head before lightly kissing his lips in greeting.

“I brought Chinese,” he said after George smiled at him (Alex noticed it didn’t quite reach his eyes), motioning towards the bags sitting on the island.

“Thanks,” George mumbled in response, locking his phone and placing it on the coffee table. Alex pulled him into himself, letting his arms grip him tightly, and George hated the way he instantly melted into Alex’s touch. “Why do you have to go?” he whined quietly after a few moments, and he could feel Alex’s grip around him tensing up.

“I’m not going anywhere, Georgie,” Alex replied, moving away so that he could look at his boyfriend with a reassuring smile. A spark of hope ignited in George’s chest, and he started feeling stupid for breaking the mirr--“I’ll always be just a text, or a phone call or a videocall away. You can always talk to me; you know I don’t mind.”

With a gulp, George hid his face in the crook of Alex’s neck, hoping he doesn’t realise how hurt George actually was. “I know,” he responded, the words leaving a taste of bitterness in his mouth. Alex held him close, running his hand down George’s back soothingly.

George knew deep down that he was being childish. Of course they would continue seeing each other, Alex would be visiting both his family and George quite often because he was _Alex_ and Alex would never neglect them; the knowledge did nothing to soothe him, though, images of all that could be happening in Monaco leaving a green-coloured tint over his eyes.

There were two reasons why people moved to Monaco: tax evasion and partying, and Alex wasn’t someone who would move because of taxes.

Desperately trying to stop the tears from showing again, George let himself get lost in Alex, tried to calm his erratic heart and forget every thought of doubt creeping in his mind. He didn’t notice the worry in Alex’s eyes at the sight of him so heartbroken even though Alex wasn’t breaking up with him; he even voiced strongly against it.

Alex invited him to come live with him, but George declined, _he couldn’t,_ his family was close, there was no way he’d be able to leave them behind, _he couldn’t watch as Alex had the time of his live in the glitz and glamour of Monaco and eventually forgot about him. _A part of him wished Alex would break up with him then and there, but another part was dreading it.

When Alex went to the bathroom and noticed the missing mirror, he asked, “What happened?” His eyes fell on his boyfriend, fell on the cuts lining his knuckles and only then did he notice the redness in George’s eyes and swollenness of his cheeks.

“The hook broke and it fell, nothing big,” George lied, voice rough as if he was choking, and they both knew he wasn’t telling the truth. Alex pursed his lip and nodded, sitting back next to George before he pulled him back into his arms. George let himself relax, cuddle into his boyfriend and tried to ignore the darkness engulfing his mind all the while avoiding Alex’s eyes.

If he had let himself look at him, he would’ve noticed the troubled look forming on his face.

** january of 2020 **

Alex had been living in Monaco for a few months now, and George wasn’t coping any better despite having visited him a few times already. Every night he’d spend the majority of the time turning and tossing before eventually crying himself to sleep only to wake up to an array of texts from his boyfriend wishing him a good morning and a good day. There was always an _I love you_ there, too, and George always found himself staring at the screen for far longer than needed before eventually typing back a few dull responses, basically copying Alex’s messages.

His chest hurt from missing Alex. On a daily basis, he cried in the shower as streams of scalding water poured over him, reddening his skin until he felt sore and worn-out, before he finally got out and looked at the empty place where his mirror used to be. Steam from the heat surrounded him, making him sweat even though he’d showered just moments before, but he didn’t seem to care as he stood in the room and stared into nothingness.

There was a knock on the door of his bedroom, and he knew it was his flatmate. Struan did his best to distract George, but he could see his attempts were pointless; George moped and continued moping, and Struan was close to ringing Alex and telling him to get his arse back to London and to George because he was becoming unbearable.

George quickly dressed himself before opening the door of his bedroom and meeting the worried eyes of his flatmate. “I’m going out in a bit. Wanna come with?” Struan asked, eyes pleading George said yes.

But George shook his head no with a forced smile. “I’m going to facetime Alex later,” he replied, earning a sigh from Struan. For all George knew, Alex could’ve been doing something, but he would be calling him nonetheless because Alex always answered. There wasn’t a time George called and Alex didn’t reply in a matter of seconds.

“Okay,” Struan said after a moment of silence. A feeling of awkwardness came over them both as they stood there, before Struan sighed, “Well, I’ll be going. See you later, mate.”

After saying goodbye, George crawled back into his bed and turned on his phone. Mentally debating whether to actually call his boyfriend or not, he frowned and bit his bottom lip so hard he was sure it would draw blood. In the end, he settled for opening WhatsApp and checked the time when Alex was last active.

The words _last seen today at 08:21_ glared back at him; Alex was online ten minutes ago and didn’t send George a text. Tears welled up in his eyes as he tried to refresh the page, the notification _You might have new messages_ showing up before his phone was spammed by Alex’s push notifications.

**alex: **hey love good morning  
**alex:** I wish you a nice day and hope you have fun doing everything you’re doing  
**alex:** I love you so much  
**alex:** don’t you ever forget that  
**alex: ****❤****️**

Feeling stupid for instantly overthinking things, George let out a shuddery sigh before texting Alex back. Once he replied to his messages, George pressed the tiny video icon and waited for Alex to answer his call, but it continued ringing until George eventually hung up. He tried again, the second call meeting the same fate.

“Oh,” George spoke aloud, feeling disappointment welling up in him. Pursing his lips, he locked his phone and placed it next to himself before rolling to his side and staring at the wall; he was ready to spend the rest of his day in bed, his will to do something evaporating in a millisecond.

Eventually, he dozed off, only to be broken from his slumber by his phone vibrating by his side. Alex’s name flashed across the screen as George fumbled to reply, his boyfriend’s smiling face meeting his from the other side of the screen. “Hey,” Alex said softly, chuckling as George let out a yawn. “I didn’t wake you up, did I?”

George shook his head furiously, not wanting Alex to get the wrong idea. “It’s good you did. I don’t know how I fell asleep anyway,” he assured him, before they fell into slight silence. There was some background noise coming from Alex’s side, and George tried to hold back his frown as he asked, “Where are you?”

If Alex noticed the tinge of disappointment and jealousy in George’s voice, he didn’t let it show, replying, “I’m at Lily’s. She’s teaching how to cook pasta with some sort of sauce, I don’t know what exactly.”

“Oh,” George said in response, face falling. He tried to fake a smile for Alex, though his head was starting to spin, “Tell her I said hi.”

In that moment, Lily showed her face in George’s vision and greeted him loudly, “Hi George! I can hear you even if you can’t see me.” She let out a laugh before disappearing back to where she was cooking.

Alex snorted at her behaviour before looking back at George, “How are you doing?” His voice was soft and full of affection, a tiny smile playing on his lips as he looked at his boyfriend. “It feels like ages since I’ve last seen you,” he added, earning a nod from George.

“I’m good,” George replied, turning on his side so that he could look at Alex better. “How are_ you?”_ He forced a smile with the question, biting his bottom lip afterwards.

“I miss you,” Alex said in response. George could hear Lily fake-gag from the side, but his chest started aching nonetheless. Was that really what she thought of them? Was that what other people thought of them? Maybe Alex really was too good for him, like his head often told him.

Bile rose up in his throat, and he turned silent. Alex must’ve noticed because he was looking at the screen worriedly; George didn’t want him to worry, didn’t want Alex to think he was weak and pathetic. “I miss you more,” he finally said, because he did. He was missing Alex like crazy, wishing for him to just come back to England so they could live twenty minutes away from each other and see each other on a daily basis.

They fell into some sort of tense silence, with Alex helping Lily with food and George looking at the screen trying to ignore the raging jealousy; it was him who was meant to be cooking with Alex, and doing all other domestic things they used to do when they lived close by. Putting himself through the agony of watching Alex joking around with Lily for another few minutes was one of the biggest mistakes in his life, George realised.

“Hey, I should get going.” Not really. He didn’t have anywhere to be but staring at the ceiling seemed like a better way to spend his time than watch his boyfriend be completely oblivious to the golfer’s _flirting._ George noticed everything she did – at least, what he could see from the tiny frame of Alex’s front camera – and seeing Alex do nothing about it hurt George.

Alex had a frown on his face as he replied with an _okay_. George managed a weak smile before hanging up promptly, staring at the open chat between him and Alex with an unreadable look on his face. _‘I shouldn’t have done that,’_ he thought, bottom lip caught between his teeth so hard it started bleeding. A pained wail left his lips as he chucked his phone at the wall, watching as it fell to the floor in pieces from the impact.

Tears started streaming down his face and he made no move to wipe them away. After pulling his duvet across his head, his tears turned into full-on sobs, wrecking his whole body. His whimpers and cries were the only things heard in the otherwise silent flat.

** february of 2020 **

Alex noticed something was wrong with George. Of course he noticed, he knew George like the back of his hand; seeing his usually cheery and affectionate boyfriend turn sullen and snappy hurt Alex, especially since George didn’t want to talk to him about what was going on. Instead, he’d steer the conversation away from himself and to Alex’s days in Monaco.

When they were together, George had two moods: he would either turn scarily possessive and fuck Alex hard while marking his body with bruises and hickeys (not that Alex minded, if it helped George deal with what was going on inside of his head), or he would jump away from any form of contact Alex tried to give him. There was no middle ground, a place where Alex could put George and maybe get something out of him, a word or a thought that was occupying his boyfriend’s head.

It scared Alex, watching how his boyfriend gradually became less and less like himself, turning into someone Alex couldn’t even recognize.

When he called George’s flatmate, Struan said he’d noticed it, too; the emptiness in George’s eyes, how his cheeks hollowed out from his lack of eating, how pale he’d become from barely leaving his bedroom. Alex knew George had to pull himself together, and soon, because the season was starting in a few weeks and George seemed to be in a constant state of turquoise, jumping from blue to green in a span of mere moments.

Alex tried to talk to George more times than he could count, but George always waved him off. Alex wasn’t going to push him, make him uncomfortable with sharing his worries – even though Alex could read him like a book. He tried his best, but he could see George wasn’t seeing any of his attempts but only what his green-tinted spectacles allowed him to.

Biting his bottom lip in worry, Alex’s eyes skimmed over the string of messages Struan had sent to him, earlier that morning, when Alex was still asleep from playing games until early hours of the night.

**struan:** George needs help, Alex  
**struan:** actual, professional help  
**struan:** I asked him about you 10 minutes ago and he almost punched me  
**struan:** he’s not doing okay  
**struan:** talk to him and try to get him to see someone  
**struan:** or he’ll just end up doing something he’ll regret

With a sigh, Alex fell back on his sofa. He ran a hand down his face, trying to think of what to say in response. George obviously needed help – Alex could see that without Struan even mentioning it to him. There was no way George would actually accept it, though, not without a fight or some form of defiance.

He settled for a simple response.

**alex:** I’ll come by in a couple of days, try not to do anything that might get him to snap  
**alex:** he’s hurting in his own head  
**alex:** I’ll try to get him to get help

As soon as he sent the last message, Alex went on to book a flight to London and messaged George, telling him he would be visiting; even though a part of him wanted to make it a surprise, George was in a state where Alex wasn’t sure what he would accept as good or bad. It was better to make sure and seeing George’s somewhat excited response brought out a smile from Alex.

_There’s still hope,_ he thought, the tiny smile not leaving his face for the rest of the day.

Seeing George at the airport a few days later filled Alex with a feeling of comfort. Wrapping his arms around his boyfriend, Alex held him as tight as he possibly could. “I missed you so much,” he whispered against George’s shoulder.

George pressed their lips together. Alex could feel the smile on his lips, and it made him smile, too.

“Come on, let’s get going,” George said once they pulled away from each other. He made the point of carrying Alex’s suitcase, his boyfriend trailing after him and looking at him intently. A frown found its way on Alex’s face as he realised how sullen George had actually become.

He knew it was bad, but he’d not realised how far it had actually gone.

They were in George’s flat later that day, watching a film on Netflix and cuddling on George’s bed. Alex was running his hand down George’s back, fiddling with the hem of his t-shirt every time his hands would reach it; George had a content smile on his face for the first time in a while, laying over Alex’s lap.

Silence surrounded them. It wasn’t uncomfortable, but Alex could feel some form of tension in the air; perhaps it was just him, not knowing how to open up the topic of George’s issues without him getting angry or defensive. Because, he would, and Alex knew it.

George must’ve sensed something was bothering Alex because he asked, “What are you thinking about?” His voice was slightly drowsy, but he was looking at Alex expectantly, and Alex found himself melting at the sight of George’s bright eyes.

Alex had a feeling that there was no use beating around the bush, but he struggled with voicing his thoughts and not making them sound harsh. “Struan messaged me the other day.” He could see the frown that formed on George’s face, along with something bitter, and Alex sighed. “He’s worried about you, says you’ve changed.”

“What?” George asked, all bitterness falling from his face. The word was spoken so quietly Alex almost missed it, yet it held so much emotion it pained Alex’s chest.

“He says you’re angry and snappy or sad all the time,” Alex explained softly, rubbing his thumb over George’s cheek. His boyfriend bit his lip, and Alex could see he was correct. “I can see it, too, Georgie. You lost so much weight, you’re like a skeleton. I can see the bags under your eyes. I notice how little you reply to my messages,” he added, not changing the gentle tone of his voice at any point, “Tell me what’s bothering you, please. It hurts me to see you in such a bad state.”

“Is that why you came here?” George questioned instead, looking up at Alex with hurt in his eyes. “Did you come here to tell me how I’m stupid and childish and how I’ve not got a reason to worry? Because you don’t have to, my head tells me that all the fucking time!” His voice slowly rose as he continued to the end of the sentence.

“No!” Alex quickly defended, letting out a groan of frustration, “I came here because I’m worried about you. We all are. George, you’ve changed so much I sometimes don’t know who you even are anymore. I just want to help you, please.”

“I don’t want your help! I don’t want anyone’s help! I don’t _need_ help, okay? I’m fine.”

“You’re not. You threw your phone into the wall. I saw the cuts on your knuckles from that time you punched the mirror. Struan said you almost punched _him,_ and he’s one of your best mates. You’re losing yourself. I don’t want you to hurt yourself or someone else,” Alex tried to keep calm, for George’s sake. His head was already messing with him enough, and Alex didn’t want to make it any worse.

It seemed like it did nothing but tick George off, as he shot up from Alex’s lap and glared at him. “The only thing that can hurt me here is finding out you’re talking with my friend behind my back. Do you talk with Lily about me, too? Or do you two do nothing but fuck all day?”

Alex stared at him in disbelief, “Where the fuck is that coming from? Lily’s a friend George, _our_ friend, and I’d never cheat on you. You know that it goes against everything I stand for. I would never cheat on you.”

“I know you’re lying. Did you go to Max, too? Or Charles? Maybe both at the same time, who the fuck knows. Tell me were they better at me?”

“I never cheated on you!” Alex shouted back at him, taking him by the shoulders and shaking him whole, trying to get him to see some sense.

“Stop lying!” George screamed, falling to his knees and sobbing. Alex wanted to comfort him, but all George did was shove his hands away. “Go away, Alex. _Please,_ just go away,” he begged, voice cracking, full of hurt.

“Fine,” Alex said sharply, standing up. “I never cheated on you. I never would. If you don’t believe me, ask anyone else and they’ll tell you the truth,” he took a deep sigh before continuing, “You need help, George. Actual, professional help that I can’t give you. After what you’ve just said to me, I don’t even know why I care. But I still do. So please, for your own sake, talk to a professional.”

As he moved to the door of George’s room, he stopped once he heard his quiet, “Alex?” He waited for George to continue. “Where are you going?”

“Somewhere. I don’t know. To be honest, I don’t want to see you at the moment,” Alex replied, “I’ll be back later to pick up my stuff, though, and then I’ll be out of your hair.”

“Are--are you breaking up with me?” He sounded small, tiny. All of the anger in his voice disappeared.

“Yes,” Alex breathed out, looking at George sadly, “I can’t be with you if you don’t trust me, especially since I never doubted you. You said some horrible stuff. Trust goes both ways, George.”

“I’m sorry,_ please,_ don’t go.”

“It’s a little too late for that. Think about what I’ve told you and maybe, just maybe, you’ll get another chance. I love you, but what you said really hurt me.” With that, he left, trying his best to block out the sound of George’s sobs as he walked out of the door.

** august of 2020 **

George hadn’t spoken to Alex since he came back to George’s flat to pick up his stuff. He didn’t try to get him to stay, knew that the attempts would have been useless, and he’d cried himself to sleep instead. Neither of them said anything as Alex packed his bags and left for the second time that day.

Seeing Alex around the paddock made George realise how much he’d missed him. He told himself he needed to get over Alex, but seeing him there, in all of his glory, it made George want to kiss him. But he didn’t, sticking to silent observation from a distance.

He wasn’t sure what he would say to Alex, even if they decided to speak to each other. Half a year had passed since they last talked directly.

Instead of focusing on Alex, George focused on the race. In the chaos that ensued, George managed to secure a P7, thus earning the first points of his career. Instinctively, he wanted to go find Alex and cheer with him, but then he remembered what happened in February.

It seemed like Alex had a similar idea because, later in the evening, he made his way towards where the Williams driver was sitting all by himself. Alex sat down next to him, not saying a word; George spared him a glance from the corner of his eye, but his mind was internally screaming, despite there being a good amount of space between the two of them.

“Congrats,” Alex broke the silence, giving George a smile, “On earning your first points, I mean. I knew you could do it.”

“Thanks,” George replied, looking at his hands instead of at Alex. The air around them turned awkward, and after a few minutes of uncomfortable silence, he could feel Alex shuffling as though he was about to leave. George’s mouth worked faster than his brain as he blurted, “I’ve gotten help.”

Alex stopped in his tracks. “Really?” he questioned, a sound to his voice George couldn’t exactly put in place. “That’s… good for you,” the Red Bull driver added uncertainly.

“I’m doing better,” George continued talking, despite his brain screaming at him to shut up. “I – uh,” he trailed off, realising he didn’t know what he wanted to say. He bit his lip to prevent himself from saying anything else.

But then Alex smiled at him and said, “I’m proud of you.”

“I’m sorry, for what I did. And said. All of it. I don’t know why I assumed what I did. I still don’t know what was going on inside of my brain, I just know that it was making me think horrible things. I honestly don’t blame you for leaving; it was my own fault.”

Alex didn’t say anything for a while, and George began worrying he’d somehow ruined the aura of peace they found themselves in after so long. “It’s okay,” he finally responded, “I know you were in a bad spot. I knew it back then, too. I’m still confused as to why, but as long as you’re dealing with it, I’m fine with not knowing.”

“You’re too good for this world, Alex.” George sounded sad as he said it.

“Maybe. There’s no use being angry.”

George shrugged before they fell into silence again. The sun was setting in front of them, showering them in gold. George moved his head so that he could look at Alex. He had forgotten how beautiful he looked. Alex met his gaze, eyes sparkling underneath the sunlight; the deep urge to kiss Alex pooled in the pits of his stomach.

Before he could do anything about it, Alex stood up. “I’ll see you around, George,” he said with a small smile before turning around and walking away, leaving George to stare after his retreating form.

“See you around,” he replied, words staying nothing but a whisper in the wind.

**Author's Note:**

> [tumblr at altisssimozucca](https://altisssimozucca.tumblr.com/)


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